I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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