we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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