She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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