there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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