Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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