I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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