I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
