So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
