I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
