Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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