Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
