im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He shit in the fireplace
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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