Will you blow on my dice?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm jealous of your bromance
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
