Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will pee on everything he values.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
