it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
