If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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