Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I am available for nakedness
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
