I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
