I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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