I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I cockslap morals
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
