I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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