I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize