Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
