Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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