How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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