i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
