you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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