Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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