Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
