Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize