I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
