If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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