How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The air was thick with penises
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize