I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize