I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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