Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
