Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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