dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
