why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize