I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
