last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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