My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
where does the pee come out of this thing
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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