you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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