I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize