fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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