Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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