After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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