Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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