you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
