You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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