the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
