Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
