I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
