a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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