i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize