I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
