Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it hurts more in the daytime
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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