I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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